Today is Mother’s Day. A day we in America honor those women who have raised us, and made us who we are. For better or for worse, moms have been there as the driving force in our lives. They have given up many of their comforts and most of their time to raise their families full of love and happiness. They have caused us to love or hate by their attitudes, their values, and their joy in living. While the 1950’s mom encouraged her sons to play football and her daughters to take ballet, today’s moms have crossed the boundaries and have as eclectic tastes as there are flavors of ice cream. And these interests have created a population unique and self-assured.
Many of us owe our love of sports, to not only our dads, who took us to games, and explained all the rules, and subtleties, but also to our moms, who did the same. Our moms put up with late dinner and later homework as there were countless T-ball practices, and games which went on forever with final scores of 56-55. Our moms moved dinner times around to accommodate when MLB’s game start times, and let us eat on TV trays so we didn’t miss a pitch. Our moms were probably more important in our love of baseball development because if they hasn’t approved, we would all be at the opera right now.
My love of baseball started when I was little, and my mom told my dad to take me, along with my brother to meet Willie Mays. He was signing autographs at a local appliance store. We waiting in line for hours, and saw him for only a moment. His eyes looked tired, after spending the night signing autographs for fans and kids, his hands were hardened from years of swinging a bat and fielding balls. His back was achy from being hunched over a table he dwarfed, as his normal office didn’t require a desk. He was older by then, but it was still magical looking into his face, and seeing the love he still had for the game, the fans and for life.
Willie Mays came from another era. An era where the road to the majors was not so expensive. For many of today’s players, the road to the majors is paved by moms, giving up many luxuries for entrance fees to tournaments and teams, traveling around the country on weekends going from showcase to showcase, and giving up precious family time so that these future professional athletes could reach their dreams.
And yet when these young men finally make it into MLB, there is a lack of women to guide them. I wonder what that must be like. After years of strong women nurturing and growing them, from their moms at home, to their pseudo-moms, their teachers, at school, to nothing. It occurs to me that this might just be what MLB needs. Team Moms.
I, of course, will be the NYY team mom. My qualifications are impeccable. Let me share my resume with you.
Background: I have two adorable girls, ages 8 and 10, who are diehard Yankee fans. They complain bitterly when I go to games without them. They know the players, they know their positions, and they have picked out their Yankee husbands. They have pink Yankee hats, pink foam fingers, and authentic jerseys. My Yankee fandom cannot be questioned. This would be an asset to the clubhouse where I could help rally the team on to victory. I could heckle the umpires with taunts of them dressing inappropriately for TV, with call of “That mask is the wrong color; it doesn’t match your chest protector.” If not, I could incite a good bench clearing brawl for entertainment purposes only.
- Medical Expertise. I have bandaged numerous skinned knees and scraped elbows. I have held hands through minor and major surgeries. I have the superhuman ability to kiss booboos and make them feel better. This would have come in useful just this week, as I could have stopped Chavez from going on the DL. Of course this would have involved kissing his foot, but as a Mom, I’m willing to take one for the team. I’m thinking Nick Johnson should travel with his mom at all times.
- Diagnostic Skills. I can determine from another room whether a child has a cold or allergies. I daily decide if children are well enough to go to school or not. Think how this is such a necessary skill for the NYY. I’ve often wondered why players who are soooo sick go to the ballpark just to sit all day. Doesn’t it make more sense for them to stay at the team hotel, eat soup, drink tea from room service, and sleep in a comfortable bed? By being in the clubhouse, aren’t they just infecting each other in an underground environment ripe for the spread of viruses and bacteria? Here is where I would be infinitely valuable. Sick players would be made to stay at the hotel, with a visiting mom service hired to provide extra moms for the sick players. These visiting moms would kiss foreheads, order tea, make you eat soup, and encourage you to sleep and watch bad TV. At the clubhouse, as the head mom, I will be looking for signs of illness, and spraying Lysol continually. Sick players would be immediately isolated and sent back to the hotel. No more flulike symptoms running rampant in my clubhouse. Media, reporters and beat writers would be checked at the door for signs of illness. We can’t have any germs brought into our sterile environment. One cough from Kim Jones, and she would be shown to the door, or asked to interview Boone Logan.
- Preventative Skills. Helping players feel better is only half the battle. My goals would include preventative action. Players would no longer be allowed to play in the rain. Or extreme cold. Or extreme heat. How healthy can it be to get all hot and sweaty in a cold rain? I know that CC’s mom would agree. Not on my watch. And to be stretching those muscles on cold Minnesota evenings during April. Come on! Alex had hip surgery. We don’t want anything snapping in the temperature extremes! Not happening. And an afternoon game in 110F in Kansas City, No Way! Colon would get heat stroke! I would have the ability to order other teams to install Air conditioning to outdoor facilities. As team mom, I would have the power to overrule the umpires and MLB and ultimately Bud Selig on this issue of safety and preventative precautions. The schedule might also be shortened, or shorter games played, depending on if the Yankees are winning. During the 5th inning, if I deemed the climate inhospitable, I would have Joe send Mo to the mound to get the obligatory save. Then call the game.
- Laundry Skills. As a mom, I do at least 3 large loads of laundry a day in a machine that can fit a king sized quilt. Yes that is a lot. But everyone needs to look presentable and clean. Therefore, I applaud the clean shaven, short hair look of the NYY. A mom’s all American dream. But these rules need to go further. From this day further, no dirty uniforms will be allowed in the field. So Jeter, you slide into 2nd headfirst during the first inning, you better be prepared to change your shirt when you get back to the dugout. No going back out onto the field to play looking like you was playing in the dirt, even though you are. And Gardner, the same to you with those diving, grass stained shirts. Except after the game, you are going to be scrubbing those jerseys with a toothbrush. Not easy getting out those stains Mister!
- Hygiene. We all know this is essential to the health and wellbeing of all. Therefore, as team mom, there will be no more chew allowed. First of all, it is a bad habit which causes cancer. But it is also gross. Like the rest of us need to see you spit? And while talking about spitting, there will be no more spitting. Saliva is an essential part of the digestion progress, and it stops dehydration. Everyone will swallow their saliva from now on. You think I want to mop that up? And when you spit, the rest of us walk in your saliva, then walk on the field, which others dive on. EWWWW! And Jorge and Cervelli, no more rubbing dirt on your hands from the home plate area. That area is filled with DNA from the saliva of other players, which then gets passed to the ball which the rest of us touch. EWWW!
- Diet. Also banned will be sunflower seeds in shells. Who is the poor schlump who has to clean up that mess? Moms make everyone clean up after themselves. If the players had to sweep out the dugout, no one would be spitting out those shells. I have never mastered the art of DE-shelling sunflower seeds in my mouth and I have lived a productive life. Buy the deshelled ones from now on. And Alex, no batting with a mouthful of food! What if you choke to death? Does Cano know the Heimlich?
Organizational Skills: As a mom, I have organized numerous schedules integrating all members of the family. I have coordinated many fundraising events for my school and church. I keep a household running efficiently on less money than Nunez makes in a month. Therefore I would be an asset to the Yankee organization. I would be able to reorganize Girardi’s binder for maximum input with minimum controversy. Pages that are headed with 7th inning pitcher, 8th inning pitcher, 6th inning pitcher would be shredded and recycled. Advanced sabermetrics such as that that show Tex is an awful 1st baseman would be banned. The person who collects and collates and prints out all that material would be reassigned to spraying Lysol on the field to kill the bacteria from opposing players spit.
Motivator: A mom is the family cheerleader. She picks people up when they are down, and kicks them in the butt when they need it. In mom’s world, it doesn’t matter if you are going to the hall of fame, if you need to be talked to, she will do it. Imagine how this could play out for the NYY. AJ never would have had a bad season last year. Mom would have fixed that. And Soriano, I would march out there in the middle of the inning and make him apologize if he ever started up with an ump again and that eye rolling would stop. And Nunez would have made only 1 error vs. Detroit. That would have been fixed, and done with so he could have concentrated on the game.
And as far as Phil, I would keep his spirits up and his soul focused while he worked out and gains strength. I would also have him being a productive member of the Yankee team so he would not be home switching channels during a game. Moms always find something to keep their kids active and motivated. Phil could chart pitches; devise a game plan with Martin or maybe AJ could mentor him in pie throwing.
Intuition: As a mom, I have learned to read between the lines, and find the truth. I can take the most benign incident and find its underlying cause. A bad grade on a test can be from a hidden playground bullying incident. This could have major contributions to the NYY. For examples, I realized that Jeter was having knee problems last season when I saw a picture of him in the Post in cargo pants. He had to have been hiding a knee brace. That is the only possible explanation for Jeter, a fashion forward, wearing cargo pants. Fellow tweeter @mochachick8 this year confirmed my suspicion during the Texas series. While in the stands she saw Jeter adjust said brace. This was confirmed by those sitting around her behind the NYY dugout. As @mochachick8 ‘s dad had stated, a bad knee leads to a bad back which leads to pitches inside he can’t get to. Just like DiMaggio. There! As team mom I solved the Jeter quandary. As for JoPo, he will start hitting well after his kids surgery in June. Issue over. Swish’s hitting woes? I have that answer too!
Fashion: I think when you are appearing on TV, you should dress nicely in coordinating colors and patterns. All players after the game would need to dress in stylist yet personality enhancing clothing. I will personally help each player achieve their fashion potential through individualized hands on shopping experiences.
Past Work Experience: I worked in a large NJ high school (almost 4000 students) for 20 years teaching chemistry to 17 year olds. I currently teach high school science to students who are too ill to go to school, or who temporarily lack mobility (broken leg), pregnant students on maternity leave, or gang members banned from school at their homes. This should more than qualify me to work with the NYY. I would love the easier environment of working in the Bronx.
I have taught CCD, and have run 2 daisy troops, 2 brownie troops and 1 Junior Scout troop. If I can deal with hormonal preteens, parents planning wedding sized first communion parties and small children, the NYY should be a breeze.
Additional Skills: I can tell a blood from a crip. I helped deliver puppies. I’ve raced world cup yachts. I am afraid of birds. I am immune to dirt. I am able to find any address, no matter how bad the directions. I can handicap a harness race. I have over 40,000 tweets(this may be a negative). 39998 of those tweets were about the NYY. I haven’t updated my FB page in a month. I speak Spanish so poorly that people laugh at me. I use stub hub regularly. I have the MLB app and the NYY app on my phone, but not CNN app. I truly believe I speak weekly with David Price’s dog ( @Astro_dpsdog ) I once had a question on the Joe Girardi Show. My fantasy baseball team makes players go on the DL list (If this isn’t a marketable skill, I don’t know what is then!) I make the BEST brownies. I can tailor them to each player’s needs. CC would have my new Captain Crunch Brownies, Alex’s will have sunflower seeds, DRob’s will be layered with marshmallows and chocolate bars giving them the high sock look.
References: @Astro_dpsdog; @sunnysocal; @yankeeMegInPhl (creator of the rally bra!) Others available upon request.
I am more than qualified to be NY Yankee team mom and look forward to hearing from you.
Contact me: Twitter @dp57 I’m available to start immediately!
And Happy Mother’s Day!